Four Ways to Defuse Hurtful Arguments

four ways to defuse hurtful arguments

“We often feel hurt and get angry because we make up a story of what the other person is thinking about us. ”

I recently got an email from someone who had read my book Healing the Hurts of Your Past . She said that she and her husband both struggled with shame and the book helped them understand what  made them tick.

But she wrote because their shame issues make for hurtful arguments between the two of them.  She said that in the heat of the moment they both say things that they regret and wondered what I might suggest for them.

I told her that ideally they would find healing for their shame and then they would be less inclined to get angry in the heat of the moment. That is the  goal of my book for people but it takes time, it's a process. In the mean time I offered the following advice.

Defusing hurtful arguments

1. Talk about your hot buttons

Sit  down with each other and diagnose your past arguments and talk about them. Agree that the discussion is meant to better understand each other, not rekindle old arguments.

Then review the arguments and say things like...I first got angry when you said this...  I think I got angry because I felt small and thought you don't care how I feel (or whatever it is you felt).

And then your spouse might say...I see what you mean. Yeah, that was harsh. I'm sorry. What I was thinking was... But I said THAT because you questioned my logic and I felt stupid, just like I did when my dad pointed out my mistakes as a kid.  

Notice that neither person is accusing the other by saying, “You MADE me feel…” No, they own their feelings and give reasons for what they were thinking that made them feel a certain way. Our hurtful words are often rooted in past pain.

We often feel hurt and get angry because we make up a story of what the other person is thinking about us. We assume too much. So we need to have conversations that draw out what the other person is actually thinking.

It takes courage to have an honest discussion like this but it is constructive and not destructive. It will help you the next time a disagreement comes up.

2. Have a plan for arguments. Don't let them escalate

The minute the first hurtful word flies one of you needs to stop and call a "foul".  Don't let it escalate.

My wife has really helped me with this. When I said something harsh she would stop and say, I don't understand why you are so defensive. My purpose isn't to attack you. I just don't understand what you are saying. Help me understand.

By clarifying her intention it showed me that she was on my side. We were teammates not adversaries. That enabled me to stop and analyze why I was defensive and tell her. Now we rarely end up in the heat of the moment because we address the issue immediately, before it has time to develop into something.

3. Call a time out for your arguments

Take five minutes, a half hour, a day,  whatever it takes to reflect on how you feel.  Research shows that anger distorts your thinking. It causes you to be convinced of your own rightness and the wrongness of your opponent. So you need time to decompress and calm down to think and speak logically again.  

It's like hitting the "reset" button. Some people need more time than others to process what's going through their mind. Just be sure to set a time that you will get back together. It's easy to just let it slide.

4. Pray together and ask God to help

Realizing that there is a Third Party observing your arguments helps to stay objective and respectful. Bowing before God is a humbling process. One of the best ways to  worship God is to show respect and dignity to  the people he created. I keep that in mind when I disagree with someone. And research has shown that couples that pray together reduce their chance of divorce.

Developing Healthy Habits

It might seem awkward to take these steps but you can do it. It's just a matter of developing new habits. You need to commit to communicating and  not just reacting to your partner. If you do  this you, will end up being much closer in the  long run.

This is what I wrote back to the woman who contacted me about her family arguments. She said it meant a lot to her so I pass the words on to you.

Question: What are some of the things that help you not respond hurtfully in your arguments?

Need more help?  My new book STUCK...how to mend and move on from broken relationships might help you.

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