Learning from the Tinder Swindler and other scam artists
“Confirmation bias is when you have a preconceived opinion and you are just looking for confirmation of what you already believe or want to be true and ignore what might contradict your opinion.”
I like documentaries. So I asked Google for the top documentaries on Netflix. One caught my eye called The Tinder Swindler. I’m always interested in learning how people can be misled, so I gave it a view.
The Tinder Swindler
The Tinder Swindler is a shocking story of how a man was able to convince multiple women that he was the love of their lives. He hooked them immediately in various ways before he started to ask for their money.
It turns out that he was using the money of one hooked girlfriend, draining their bank accounts and convincing them to take out huge loans, all the while using the funds to hook his next prospect.
It has often bothered me how this can happen. How can intelligent people get duped into believing in someone who is so corrupt? How can they allow this to happen? What is going on psychologically? I came to find out…
The Facebook Swindler
I had a minor scam take place in my own life recently. I live in a condo where we have our own Facebook page. Someone posted on the page that they were hiring a contractor for some duct cleaning and if anyone else wanted to hire the same contractor we could get a group discount.
That sounded good to me. I knew that our condo hires someone every spring to clean ducts. So I assumed this was the same company. I didn’t give it much thought. I corresponded with the resident and he hooked me up with the company. They did come. Not sure how much work they did (I mean, how do you know if the ducts are clean?).
After they left, I learned that the company had gotten admitted to our Facebook page by mistake. They weren’t a resident but someone posing as a resident from the company just to get our business.
I was kicking myself for getting suckered. I’d like to think that I’m smarter than that. I realized that I had fallen into the same trap that many do. Thankfully it only cost me a few hundred dollars and not my life savings as with the Tinder Swindler.
The Church Swindler
These two experiences reminded me of a church that I worked with that had a sexual predator who impacted a number of people in the church. These were bright people. How could they let him into their lives?
Learn more about spiritual abuse here.
How Scammers Win You Over
As I assessed these three scenarios (Tinder Swindler, Facebook Swindler, Church Swindler) they all had a common denominator. There was something in the initial contact with the scammer that caused us to drop our defenses and enabled us to put trust in them. Plus, there was a predisposition on our part (we victims) to WANT what was being offered.
Let me explain.
The perfect love
In the case of the Tinder Swindler, women were looking for Prince Charming… the perfect love…someone to solve all their problems and whisk them away. And they found him… right there on Tinder! The man flew around in his private jet. He stayed in the finest hotels in romantic cities. He promised them his enduring love and had them shopping for homes to live the rest of their lives together. The hook was set.
a quick fix
In my case, much more mundane, I had a job to do that I had been putting off. A fellow condo resident offered an easy solution - at a discount! - really a no brainer. I could check that job off of my to-do list.
spiritual growth
At the church, the people were all young in their faith and eager to grow spiritually. The perpetrator had a Ph.D. in psychology and a masters degree in theology and oozed spiritual wisdom. Plus he was a friend of the pastor. And so the people he approached felt safe with him and eager to enter into the mentorship that he offered.
Too Good To Be True
In each situation, everything looked normal at first, at least nothing so bad that the concerns couldn’t be explained away. For example, in my case, I had never heard of the resident who posted on Facebook. I had a passing thought that something was off but I dismissed it.
In the Tinder case, the women were warned by friends that the man sounded too good to be true. But each woman wanted to at least meet him.
Buyer Beware! The Art of Scamming
I pass on these observations in hopes that you might be aware of the scamming process. As I learned, it can happen to anyone. There are actually technical terms for what I’m talking about.
Confirmation bias
Confirmation bias is when you have a preconceived opinion and you are just looking for confirmation of what you already believe or want to be true and ignore what might contradict your opinion. In each of the situations I mentioned, we wanted someone to come into our lives and solve our problems and so when that person showed up and offered some evidence of credibility, we jumped at it.
Social Engineering and Phishing
Social engineering is the broad term for manipulating people with information to get them to do what you want them to do. Phishing has to do with misrepresenting oneself through social media to attract people to your scheme. The Tinder Swindler and the duct cleaning company were phishing.
Grooming
This is the process that allows the hook to be set in your life. The scammer tells you what they know you want to hear, gradually increasing your trust in them and then gradually increasing their demand from you. Their deception isn’t obvious to you until it’s too late. If their scheme was obvious at first, no one would buy in.
The Risk of Vulnerability
It’s sad to me that we have to look at every person and opportunity with a certain level of distrust. But nonetheless, you will be better off if you perform due diligence whenever you consider making yourself vulnerable to someone and offer up something of value, like your finances or your heart emotions.
People often ask me how they can ever trust a church again. I tell them that it’s the same with dating or any relational situation: go slow and make sure the church is faithful in the little things before you invest yourself to any degree. Only invest yourself as much as they have proven themselves to be credible. This is true with churches and all relationships. Never assume a person or institution is trustworthy.
I hope you will be mindful of these landmines and they keep you from getting scammed.
Are there other factors you can think of that lead to people buying into scams?
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