This is part four of a six part study on the book Healing the Hurts of Your Past. These are the notes I used to guide a radio interview in the spring of 2012. I discussed Ten Ways Denial Numbs Our Shame but I took a little time to discuss my final list of shame “fruit”.
The first group of fruit we looked at consists of control tactics; coping mechanisms to keep the pain of shame from surfacing. When these tactics don’t work we turn to the second group; denial. And when denial fails then we have raw manifestations of the pain of shame.
Ten Ways We Manifest the Pain of Shame
- Envy – you wish you had what others enjoy but are convinced you never will because you don’t deserve good things in life.
- Anger – when you don’t have what you want you are always mad at somebody. Mad at yourself. Mad at people who put you down. Mad at God for making you so inadequate.
- Rage – shame based people don’t feel like they deserve to express their anger so they often suppress it…until it builds up and they let it rip.
- Anxiety – you live in fear of being exposed for the poser that you are. Some day everyone will know the “real” you and they will kick you out.
- Mistreating Yourself – you don’t think you deserve anything good and it manifests by…
- accepting the inferior – relationships, jobs, food at restaurants, etc.
- sabotage – when you DO get something good you feel so uncomfortable that you undermine the relationship, job, etc. so you don’t have it long.
- harming yourself
- eating disorders
- a reckless lifestyle. Not caring about consequences because you aren’t worth preserving.
6. Demand or Need for Affirmation – you trail people around hoping that they will feel obligated to like you. When they don’t you use it as proof of how unworthy you are.
7. Devalue Yourself; apologizing all the time, not accepting gifts.
8. Powerlessness – you live convinced that life will never be good and you can’t do anything about it. You let others control your life.
9. Self-pity – you are happy to get whatever kind of attention you can get.
10. Suicide – you give up on life because the pain of shame is too great and you don’t see it ever-changing.
Let me repeat one last time…if you see yourself in this list it doesn’t mean you have ten MORE problems. You have ONE problem…shame. These are simply manifestations of shame. Deal with your shame and this list disappears.
My book goes into depth about how to overcome the pain of shame. Put briefly, it is addressing the lies of shame (I am worthless, etc.) with the truth of God’s unconditional love.
Shame doesn’t have to control your life. With God’s help, you can overcome the pain of shame!
Question: How else do you so the pain of shame manifest? Please take a second to leave a comment below.
- Ten Ways Denial Numbs the Pain of Shame (readingremy.com)
- Ten Ways Shame Manifests in Your Life – Study Guide 3 (readingremy.com)
- Study Guide 1: What Does the Bible Say About Shame? (readingremy.com)