This is part three of a six-week on-air overview of my book, Healing the Hurts of Your Past. There are six radio broadcasts that correlate with these posts. You can listen to each podcast by clicking the links:
Part three looks at how shame manifests in our lives. I pointed out that shame hurts so much emotionally that your brain works overtime to find a way to either prevent the pain from happening or numb/deny the pain altogether. We looked at these pain preventers (each is done to prevent people from seeing your worthlessness and you experiencing the overwhelming pain of shame):
Ten Ways Shame Manifests in Your Life
- Intimidation- the typical control freak. They keep people away through aggressive behavior.
- Perfectionism- you do everything perfectly so no one can criticize you.
- Procrastination- you put things off as long as possible to not expose your weaknesses.
- All or nothing- you only perform when you know you can win, whatever that means.
- Overachievement- similar to perfectionism. You do so much good no one can question you.
- Isolation – you avoid people and intimate situations to avoid exposure of the real you.
- People pleasing – if you keep everyone happy maybe they won’t notice your flaws.
- Defensiveness- you push back when someone points out a concern. Never agree with them.
- Humor- you deflect the conversation with humor to avoid talking about revealing issues.
- Vows- you always promise yourself to “never let that happen again” or “always” do something to protect yourself from the pain of shame affecting you.
If you look at this list and see a lot of your behavior listed it’s very important to understand that you don’t have ten problems. That will only add to your shame! You have one problem, shame, and it manifests in a variety of ways.
In a recent post I mentioned that to a hurting person these behaviors are solutions to their problem. Not good solutions, but solutions none the less. Don’t work at solving each problem. That’s futile. Work at healing your shame and these behaviors will slowly fall away over time.
So how do you heal your shame? The source of your healing is the unconditional love of God. Shame says you are worthless and have no right to belong. But God says you are so valuable that he sent Jesus to die for you. That’s the truth we all need to believe.
Question: What are other ways that you think shame manifests? Leave your comment below.
- Coping Mechanisms are the Solution Not the Problem (readingremy.com)
- The Spiritual Implications of Brene Brown’s TED Talk on Vulnerability (readingremy.com)