Tag Archives: Hurts

Updating Healing the Hurts of Your Past

Did you read my first book, Healing the Hurts of Your Past?Healing the Hurts of Your Past

If so, was there something missing? Did you need something clarified: some questions answered?

If so, LET ME KNOW. I’m giving it a rewrite, cleaning things up and adding new thoughts.  The book has gotten very good reviews so I’m not messing with the essence of the material. But it was my first book and had some literary weaknesses (i.e. bad writing). Thankfully God has used it in spite of my novice writing skills.

My publisher is working on a new cover too. That tree just looks weird to me! We are thinking of a picture of a broken heart being stitched up. But we are open to suggestions!

Thanks for any input you send my way. I’m looking forward to offering a “new and improved” book for people.

Inner Healing Starts with the Starter Kit

Inner healing happens when God touches your emotions and heals a past hurt. It’s been exciting to hear back from people who have used my book, Healing the Hurts of Your Past, to find inner healing. Here’s what one reader said…

I loved reading your book a few weeks ago!  It really cleared things up for me even though I thought all possible things I could do about my history were done… (Psychotherapy, Counseling…). It was such a big help for me to see things in a clearly defined biblical connection as well! God really touched me through you and lots of things are being restored in my heart even still. I was suffering from PTSD and autoimmune disorders and depression since I was a little kid. But God helped me through all the years so I could live a `normal` life, heal more and more and I am now happily married (for the first time) … I am so grateful for all of that! 

Inner Healing starts with the Starter Kit

It’s great to hear this kind of response but what really excites me is how people are starting to use the book to go beyond themselves and share inner healing in a small group study. My publisher (Crosspoint Publishing) wants to help make this happen so they have put together a nice “kit” for only $49.95. (Total value = $144.50).

With this kit you get:

Starter Kit only $49.95
Click image to learn more
  • Five copies of Healing the Hurts of Your Past – the book. ($49.75 value)
  • A downloadable PDF version of the book Study Guide which you can reproduce for your group. ($4.95 value)
  • The six part mp3 Downloads Remy’s Radio Small Group Study. ($29.95 value)

Right now Crosspoint is offering three free bonus gifts for a limited time:

  1. The kindle version of Healing the Hurts of Your Past ($6.95 value).
  2. The audio seminar version of Healing the Hurts of Your Past ($49.95 value).
  3. The new e-book, “FORGIVEN…once and for all”. ($4.95 value).
 TOTAL VALUE = $144.50.  All of this for $49.95.  Click here to learn more or place an order.

You don’t have to wait for your church to start an inner healing ministry. Start it this summer with this Starter Kit!

Let me know if you start a group. I’d love to hear about it!

Please share this on FACEBOOK to let other people know about it.

Top Five Posts From Last Month

Top posts for readingremy.com in April

I’m a new blogger but I’ve already gotten a number of people reading my blog. Thanks to my readers!  I try to keep the content tightly focused on issues that deal with self-worth and relationships and how they relate to faith.

Much of the content comes from my book, Healing the Hurts of Your Past, my observations on culture or thoughts I’m developing for my new book (tentatively called, STUCK…how to move beyond the hurts of your past).

Here are the top five posts from last month. As I look at the titles they are pretty “heavy” topics!  Part of that is because I was summarizing the parts of my book that look at the pain of shame.

  1. Tell me why I should not commit suicide today – the popularity of this post shocked me.
  2. Four Keys to Restoring Broken Relationships
  3. Ten Ways Shame Manifests in Your Life
  4. Coping Mechanisms are the Solution Not the Problem
  5. Ten Ways Denial Numbs the Pain of Shame

Please consider forwarding this post to introduce your friends to my blog.

The Difference Between Shame and Guilt

shame and guilt

shame and guilt

The difference between shame and guilt often confuses people. Most people think that shame is something that “other” people have and so they rarely want to think about it or talk about it. But  everyone deals with shame to some degree. As Brene Brown (see TED video below) says…the less you want to talk about shame, the more you probably have it! That’s why it’s so important to understand it…if not for yourself then at least to better understand the people around you.

One misunderstanding people have is that shame is something that only guilty people have…people with lots of regrets. They assume that if they don’t have a life full of regrets that they have no shame. Not true.  Here’s an excerpt from my book that clarifies the difference.

The Difference Between Shame and Guilt

Whenever I ask a group to define shame the first answer is almost always “guilt”. But shame is not guilt. True guilt – feeling a sense of remorse for wrong doing – is a good thing. This is also what some people refer to as being “a-shamed” or “good shame”. Adam and Eve experienced this sense of guilt when they disobeyed God in the Garden. The Bible says that they were naked and ashamed.

When I speak of shame, I am always talking about something bad – something destructive. You see, guilt is con-structive. It tells you that you have done something wrong and motivates you to both make amends as well as to seek forgiveness and restoration.

There is a remedy for guilt. But with shame, there is no remedy. Shame is de-structive. Shame is not about what you have done. Shame is about who you are. It is a condemnation of you as a person. That is why it is so devastating. If I have done something wrong, I can usually fix that. Or, if I can’t fix it I can at least seek forgiveness. But if I am wrong – if there is something inherently wrong with me – I can’t do anything about that and it makes me want to give up. Taken from Healing the Hurts of Your Past.

My point here is that shame affects everyone. It’s not about what you’ve done. More often shame is about what’s been done to you or said about you that is demeaning, disrespectful and undermines your sense of value, dignity and worth.  If you are a victim of abuse, ridicule or neglect then shame has most likely attached itself to your identity.  If your family has secrets or you’ve experienced any kind of trauma then shame may also have entered your psyche through these means.

People who suffer shame  have a whole tool belt full of coping mechanisms to off-set their shame.  Remove the shame and you can  throw the tool belt away and you’ll be amazed how much lighter  your load is every day!

I hope this helps you understand the difference between shame and guilt and how shame might play a role in your life even if you have no big regrets.  Now the question is…how can you go about removing  the shame from your life and dumping that tool belt full of coping mechanisms?  That’s a process that I outline in Healing the Hurts of Your Past.

Question: Are there other ways you would differentiate between shame and guilt? Leave your comment below.

Shame: Do You Feel Like Damaged Goods?

Damaged goods

I feel like damaged goods.

In my book Healing the Hurts of Your Past I spend some time defining shame. One phrase that I find helpful is “damaged good”.  The following is taken from my book where I talk about feeling like damaged good.

Defining Damaged Goods

Years ago, a recovering addict told me that shame made her feel like “damaged goods”.  I think that is a great phrase.  If you walked into any store today you would find a corner, way in the back, which has a pile of damaged goods.  These are products that were dropped or chipped or soiled in some way and are not fit for sale.  Only perfect items have the value that allows them to be displayed on the shelf.  The damaged products are really good for nothing and typically get tossed out at the end of the day or sent back to the factory.

Maybe this is how you feel about your life.  Maybe you were divorced, not once but twice or even more.  Maybe you were adopted or had an abortion.  Maybe you lost a job that you thought you were made for.  Or maybe you were sexually abused. Any one of these life events can leave you feeling like damaged goods.  In your mind, you don’t deserve to be placed on the shelf with “normal” people.  You are convinced that you are damaged and, because of that, you go through life anticipating rejection at every turn. Taken from Healing the Hurts of Your Past; a guide to overcoming the pain of shame.

If you suffer from the pain of shame or know someone who does, I’d love to help you. Here’s is what one person said about the book…

I highly recommend this book. I could identify with myself as well as others throughout. I never realized how so many of my childhood experiences were carried into my adult life, causing me to often react in negative, unhealthy ways. This book gives you so much insight & direction as to overcoming the shame and lies. I love the stories of others shared throughout the book. Give yourself a gift, purchase this book. Then, pass it on to someone you know could also benefit from it. Read more reviews.

I take a faith-based approach that helps you find your worth apart from what you’ve done or what’s been done to you. Be amazed by a God that loves and accepts you unconditionally.

Question: Does “damaged goods” describe your shame?  Leave a comment below.

  • Defining the Pain of Shame (readingremy.com)
  • Are You Worthless or Just Flawed? (readingremy.com)
  • Guilt and Shame, Shame and Guilt (hypersensationalism.wordpress.com)
  • Abuse Causes Shame (buckwheatsrisk.wordpress.com)

Are You Worthless or Just Flawed?

Do you feel worthless? In my book, Healing the Hurts of Your Past, I talk about the pain of shame. Shame is the feeling that comes over a person who feels worthless. It can cripple you.


Shame is rooted in the lies you believe about yourself. A lie that many believe is that they are worthless.  They see a flaw, an imperfection, or defect in themselves and take the flying leap of logic that: if they are flawed they have no value. It often causes them to give up. That’s a huge mistake. 

The truth is: we are all flawed. No one is perfect. We all wrestle with something.  Knowing this doesn’t fix your flaws but it helps defeat another lie: that YOU are the only one with a problem, which leads to another lie: YOU don’t fit in. Everyone else has their act together. YOU are a misfit. So it helps to know we share a common problem.

Flawed, yes. Worthless, no.

We are all flawed, it’s just not so obvious because many people are very good at covering up their flaws. But don’t be fooled. You are not alone. 

The Bible tells us that something happened to us all.  We lost something.  Something’s missing. It’s been that way from the beginning of time.  That’s not a lie. That’s the truth.   But there’s no need to beat ourselves up, or each other, about it.  

The best thing we can do is admit that we are flawed: all of us. Admit our weaknesses and then come together to support each other, asking for God’s help.  We create a community of brokenness that is on the mend. This is what the Bible calls the church (but I don’t know if church people always understand that). 

I want to encourage you today: don’t let your shame cause you to go into hiding. Face the truth. Admit your flaws to God and others. Most importantly…invite God to speak the truth of his unconditional love into your life. His truth will melt the lies of shame and allow you to take back your life.

Parenting without Shame

Someone stopped me the other day and said, “I bought your book and I’m getting a lot out of it in regard to parenting”.  I had to smile because I get that a lot.   Healing the Hurts of Your Past wasn’t written with parents in mind but so many of my examples refer to parenting that it’s a natural connection.

Parenting without shame

I suppose I could rework the book using the same information and just target parents. But in the mean time you should know that the book can help you in this department. In fact, it definitely helped me with my parenting.

Fifteen years ago when I was researching the topic of shame it dawned on me that I had shame issues and I was passing them on to my children. You’ve probably heard it said that “hurt people hurt”. Well, “shamed people shame” as well.

I sat my teenage kids down and explained what I had learned about myself. I defined shame.  I  told them what it looked like in our lives and apologized for my shaming ways. I warned them that I’d probably still do it some more…I was a work in progress…but I wanted them to know what it looked like so they would know when to discount what I might say or do.

I’ve come a long way over the years. I have a pretty good “shame detector” in my brain now that keeps me from shaming people or at least alerts me to when I do it so I can apologize appropriately.

Healing the Hurts of Your Past will help you see what it looks like to shame your children and how to reframe your parenting to be more positive in your approach.

Please comment or share. Thanks.