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Five Ways to Face the Fear of Change

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We all face change. You can’t avoid it. Because of that, we all face the fear of change.fear of change

Change is built into our life experience as we make natural transitions from one stage of life to the next. We move from grade school to middle school. From middle school to high school. From high school to college.

Then we move from college to career (hopefully) and then possibly to marriage. Some of us will have kids and those that do eventually face the transition to an empty nest. We experience the change of our parents aging and eventually losing them. And then we face retirement and, of course, the ultimate transition: death.

These are just the normal changes. There are all the other changes that life throws at you: both good and bad: promotions and layoffs, divorce and remarriage. There’s financial and health setbacks as well as comebacks. We change our homes. We change our locations. And there are the changes that take place when we lose a loved one.

The Fear of Change

Every change evokes its own special set of fears because we’re not so sure we’re going to LIKE what’s on the other side of change. And maybe worse yet, we’re not so sure we’ll be able to HANDLE the change. We’re afraid that we won’t prove to be as competent as we are on this side. Or we fear we won’t be as successful or attractive or comfortable or have as much control as we do now. We fear that change will put a spotlight on our greatest weakness. The fear of change can stop us cold.

Resisting Change

Because of these fears we often resist change. When we are comfortable we’ll do just about anything we can to avoid change. We’ll ignore it. We’ll drag our feet. We’ll definitely complain about it. We’ll attack the person leading change. We’ll even try to sabotage change. But in spite of our best efforts, some change is unavoidable. For this reason we need to learn how to face the change as well as the fear of change.

I recently spoke a message on facing the fear of change by looking at the change that Jesus brought to his followers. You can read or listen to the entire message here. But I’ll share the main points with you:

How to Face the Fear of Change

  1. Anticipate change. A lot of change we should see coming. I know parents that melt down when their kids leave for college. But really, didn’t they see that change coming? I realize that some change comes out of nowhere. But much of it can be anticipated. So stay alert. Look down the road and prepare for the obvious. 

    We fear that change will put a spotlight on our greatest weakness. The fear of change can stop us cold.

  2. Understand God’s perspective on change. God is never surprised. He’s never unprepared. He has Plan B, C, and Z waiting. He’s never boxed in. He can make good out of anything. So see things from God’s perspective and then…
  3. Trust God. I know. That’s practically a cliche. But change is the best time to have your faith tested. Now or never. What have you got to lose? Sit back and watch God give you what you need to handle the change. No matter what the change is that you are facing today, God’s got your back.  You might not trust your new setting or circumstances but you can always trust God to be with you and to help you through your time of change.
  4. Focus on the gains and grieve the losses. Both are important. Don’t look for the sky to fall. Expect God to come through for you…maybe not like you’d like…but ending on top of the pile and not under it. Yet that doesn’t mean there won’t be any losses. You need to grieve your losses and not just fake your way through it. That approach will come back to haunt you.
  5. Embrace the change. Some people let change paralyze them. They refuse to move forward.  People do this all the time. Think about the college student that is so afraid of change that she just sits in her dorm room Facebooking her high schools friends back home rather than engage in her new college life. Or think of the new dad that is so afraid of being a bad dad that he turns over all of the parenting responsibilities to his wife.  Max Lucado says this about facing change: make friends with whatever’s next. Embrace it. Accept it. Don’t resist it. Change is not only a part of life; change is a necessary part of God’s strategy. FEARLESS

Your Defining Moment

Whatever the change is in front of you, it might be a defining moment in your life. God might be calling you to do something that will change your life forever. This could be your turning point. So don’t shrink back. Don’t miss the opportunity. God will be with you in your change and he’ll show you the good things about the change, if you let him.

Question: What has helped you face and overcome your fear? Leave your comment below.

Finding Your Significance in God’s Love

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In my last post I looked at the fear of insignificance. I quoted the Bible verse that tells us how God’s perfect love drives out fear and gives us significance. I want to add more to that thought today.

Perfect Love Drives Out Fear

Another verse that helps me understand the unconditional nature of God’s love is ths:

God chose us in Christ before the creation of the world …he predestined us to be adopted as his children…Ephesians 1:4,5

I love this verse because it tells me that God didn’t choose me based on my performance. He fear of insignificancechose me before I had a chance to do good or bad.

If you are a parent, you can appreciate this. Think about it: when did you first love your child? Did you wait to see how they looked? Did you wait to see if they did their homework or mowed the lawn? I mean, if you wait until your kids live up to your expectations before you love them…you may never love them!

No, you loved them before they had a chance to perform, right?  You loved them just because they came from your own body. You didn’t love them because of their great significance. They were significant to your just because they were yours. In other words…their significance didn’t come from WHO they were (great performers) but WHOSE they were (yours). 

God doesn’t love you because you were important. You’re important because God loves you.

That’s what God is saying in the verse above. God didn’t choose you based on your qualifications, or resume, or spirituality, or looks, or family. He chose you unconditionally…simply because he loves you.  God doesn’t love you because you were important. You’re important because God loves you.

Adopted by God

Look at this verse again. The word “adopted” is a great metaphor.  I’m told that when you seek to adopt you can tell the agency some general characteristics that you are willing to accept. For example, you can ask for a certain age or race or level of disabilities. Or you can say, “I’ll take any child you give me.”  You accept them without condition. That’s what God did with us. It’s like God said, You don’t have to show me their file. I don’t care about what they have or haven’t done; history, blood lines, challenges. I accept them and love them just the way they are. 

Whatever it is you fear, no matter how insignificant you feel, God loves you and he’s with you. This seems so simple to me but it’s fundamental to overcoming your fear.  You have to know this and be convinced of this. Your significance doesn’t come from impressing people with your Italian jeans or your new car. Your significance comes from being loved by God. You need to rest in that. Saturate yourself in the knowledge of God’s love and let it push out every drop of fear from your heart.

The key to our acceptance comes in the brief phrase “in Christ.” To learn more about that read or listen to the full message, Facing the Fear of Insignificance by clicking the link.

How to Overcome Fear with Faith: Part Two

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This is part two to How to Overcome Fear with Faith. I’m looking at the story of Jesus being arrested to learn four things about fear. First it’s is like darkness. Second, fear lies to us. Third, fear turns us into control freaks. Max Lucado agrees. He says in his book, FEARLESS:

Fear corrodes our confidence in God’s goodness. Fear unleashes a swarm of doubts, anger-stirring doubts. And it turns us into control freaks.

Fear tells us that God’s not in control. You can’t trust him. You need to do something: fast.

Fight or Flight

Psychologists talk about the fight or flight syndrome. When faced with fear we either attack the threat or run from it. The disciples did both. At first, one of them pulls out a sword and starts to fight. When Jesus protests, they all desert him.overcome fear

Fear makes us do something…anything…anything that gives us sense of gaining back our control. But what does that say about God? It says we don’t think he cares. It says we don’t think he can intervene in our lives: WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING because clearly God won’t.

Really? Is that true?  Or could it just be that we’re a little too impatient?

Fear Robs From Us

When we lie to ourselves about God, the fourth thing happens: Fear robs from us.  It almost robbed the disciples of their calling.  It caused ten men to desert Jesus, one to deny him and the twelfth man to betray him before committing suicide. That’s the fruit of fear.

Plus, fear almost robbed the world of good news. What Jesus did for us was great. But what good is it if no one knows about it?  It’s like; what good is the free meal at the soup kitchen if no one knows about it?

I wonder what fear has robbed from you over the years?

What battles were never fought? What victories were never won?

What relationships were never formed? 

Fear herds us into a prison and slams the doors. Wouldn’t it be great to walk out?  

What careers were never started?   

What adventures were never launched?

What ideas were never developed?

What hobbies were never explored or enjoyed?

Or which of the above were started but then abandoned when fear set in? Max Lucado calls fear:

the big bully in the high school hallway: brash, loud, and unproductive. For all the noise fear makes and room it takes, fear does little good. Fear never wrote a symphony or poem, negotiated a peace treaty, or cured a disease. Fear never pulled a family out of poverty or a country out of bigotry. Fear never saved a marriage or a business. Courage did that. Faith did that. People who refused to consult or cower to their timidities did that. But fear itself? Fear herds us into a prison and slams the doors. Wouldn’t it be great to walk out?  

I wonder if you’ve been herded into a prison and had the door slammed shut. What’s scaring you? What lies are robbing from you?

God’s in Control

Jesus walked out of that tomb on Easter, he showed his disciples that he was in control all along. He was in control when he sweat blood. He was in control when he was arrested. He was in control when he was beaten. And he was still in control when he was crucified. There was nothing to fear.

The same is true for whatever trouble you are facing now. God is in control. Fall into his arms and trust that he will carry you through. Life may be different on the other side, but it can still be good.

How to Overcome Your Fear with Faith

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I recently started a series called Facing Your Fear. I’m going to share bits and pieces of it in the coming weeks. You can listen or read the entire messages by visiting my church’s website.

Fear is About the Unknown

Fear is an interesting topic because we all face it whether we realize it or not. We all have our means of coping with fear. Fear is driven by the unknown and there are a LOT of things we don’t know. For example: we don’t know what the economy is going to do. Five years ago we saw the economy tank, many people lost their jobs and their savings. As a result some of us fear that will happen again. We wait for the other shoe to drop.overcoming fear

Or, if you have someone with an addiction in your family, you don’t know where that’s headed. I work with people in addiction and both the addict and the family live with a lot of fear. They aren’t sure about the future…if it will lead to recovery or another relapse is lurking around the corner.

When I read again the story of Jesus’ arrest the night before he was killed I noticed a few things about fear from the response of his followers. I’ll share them over the next few posts.

Fear is Like Darkness

The first thing I noticed is that fear is like darkness. I think Jesus was arrested at night because darkness is a symbol of fear. There’s something scary about the dark. Why is that?

It’s probably a few things. What happens in the dark? You lose your markers.  In the light you know where everything is. You can see where you are going and what to avoid.  But without those markers, you lose control.  Doubt rushes in. You aren’t sure you remember where the obstacles are. Suddenly you feel vulnerable. It makes you slow down or even freeze up for fear of making the wrong move.  In the book, FEARLESS, Max Lucado says this about fear:

We fear being sued, finishing last, going broke; we fear the mole on the back, the new kid on the block, the sound of the clock as it ticks us closer to the grave.

His words remind me of what a friend of mine told me recently. His dad was 30 years older than he is. He said when his dad died at 86 it was like someone set a 30-year timer. He feels the years ticking down and he said, Remy, It scares the hell out of me. Fear does that. Fear is like darkness. It wraps around you and suffocates you.

Fear Lies About the Future

The second thing about fear is that it lies to you about your future. When Jesus was arrested, what do you think the disciples told themselves? We’re going to jail. We’re gonna die. It’s over. We’re all fools. What were we thinking? How could we have been so stupid to follow that impostor? You see, fear extrapolates everything into the worst case scenario.  But Jesus spoke directly to their thought life:

Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels? Matthew 26

 What was Jesus saying? He was saying…You guys are in fear because you believe a lie. You don’t think I’m the Son of God. You think I have no power…that I’m not in control. But the truth is… I am the Son of God, in fact, if I asked God to help me now he could send 12,000 angels in a heart beat. So relax. Everything’s going to be okay. 

That’s what Jesus would say to you too. Whatever has got you paralyzed, acting out, or on the run today: Relax. He’s in control. There’s not situation that he can’t pull you out of one way or another. He may not “fix” your life the way you want it. Some consequences to your past actions may need to be played out. But he’ll be with you. He can make your life good: both now…in the problem…as well as in the future, when the problem has passed. And it will pass.

What is it that causes the most fear in your life? What lies does fear speak to you? Leave your comment below. Thanks.

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Jesus’ Suffering Offers Us Hope

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I recently wrote about how to return from exile, that is, a time in your life where you got off track and life became very hard and lonely. I mentioned that you can end up in that place for a variety of reasons. It can be because you rejected God, made a bad decision, or had bad luck. But sometimes God actually calls you into exile. Jesus’ suffering informs us here.

Jesus' suffering

Called to Exile

Seasons of Suffering. What I mean is, there are seasons in life that you might be called to sacrifice for the good of others. Parents know about this. I have some friends who are serving their son who is battling cancer. There are men and women called on by their country to go to war. Or someone might be called to forsake a lucrative business career to serve others in a non-profit or ministry.

All of these people may find themselves in a place of “exile”: a place where they feel disconnected from the life they thought they would live and going without something or someone dear to them. Exile is a painful time that makes you want to give up on life.

Jesus is a perfect example of this kind of calling. He was called to suffer and die for the good of others. It’s interesting to see his reaction to his calling. It’s not what you might expect. Two of his followers recorded a time when he was overcome by the stress of his exile. One said that he was deeply grieved and overwhelmed to the point of death. The other one said that the stress caused him to sweat drops of blood.

Jesus’ Suffering Offers us Hope

I see three things about Jesus’ suffering that might help you through your time of suffering:

  1. Jesus’ suffering validates your suffering. When we suffer we often think that it’s wrong. Only bad people suffer or weak people suffer. We look around at other people and assume that something must be wrong with us. Suffering is for losers. I’m suffering. I must be a loser. But Jesus suffered. Not only did Jesus suffer, he struggled with it. He wanted to give up but he prayed for strength to continue. If you suffer or feel like giving up, you aren’t a loser. You are human. Jesus’ experience tells us that.
  2. Jesus’ suffering shows us that suffering has a purpose. One of Jesus’ followers wrote that his sacrifice made us perfect in God’s sight (Hebrews 10:14). The word “perfect” here means that we lack nothing in God’s eyes. When Jesus died, we were set right with God. We can quit working so hard to please God, and we can quit worrying that we aren’t good enough because we’ve been made perfect. 
  3. Jesus’ suffering tells us that good can come from exile. God took one of the worst experiences (death on a cross) and used it to restore humanity to God. God brought hope from fear, life from death, and restoration from devastation. He can do the same in your life.

    God brought hope from fear, life from death, and restoration from devastation. He can do the same in your life.

When Jesus prayed for strength, God immediately gave him what he needed to continue. I hope you will also ask God for the strength you need to continue and look for his comfort to see you through.

Question: have you ever seen good come from a time of suffering in your life?

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How to Recover from Loss, Grief, and Exile

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How to recover from loss is a lot like returning from exile. What comes to mind when you hear the word exile? You might think of someone booted from their country, like the Dali Lama. He was exiled from Tibet and now he is a man without a country. In the Bible, Israel was often in exile…forced out of their land to live in Egypt or Assyria or Babylon.

How to recover from loss

How to recover from loss

But living in exile isn’t just about leaving your country. Exile can happen on a personal level when life throws you a curve and you end up in a place you never planned on being. Exile is a place of loss where you feel displaced, disconnected, confused, and often depressed.

In the Bible, exile involves people leaving their country and walking through a desert to a place of imprisonment in another country. The desert symbolizes the isolation and hardship of exile.

When you and I end up in exile, we aren’t in a literal desert, but we still end up in a dry place emotionally and spiritually. Like exiles, we are often cut off from people, and though we may not hunger and thirst like desert people do, we hunger and thirst for things like; peace, love, health, stability, purpose, or comfort.

Exile is a place where fear and sadness can flood your mind unexpectedly. Just when you think it’s gone it comes back with a vengeance. You feel trapped and even fear that God has left you.

Seven Types of Exile

We all experience exile. Following are seven types of exile/loss with a few examples of each.

  • Emotional exile: depression, PTSD, anxiety disorders, panic attacks, bipolar disorder, etc.
  • Spiritual: bad church experience or just feeling disconnected from God
  • Relational: bad marriage, divorce, estrangement from children/parents, death of a loved one,
  • Financial: debt, loss of job.
  • Career: bad fit. 70% of people feel like they aren’t in the right job.
  • Health: inability to have children, chronic pain, terminal disease.
  • Season of life: Life between college and marriage and/or career, managing old age.

How to Recover from Loss (exile)

Here are five things to consider in regard to how to recover from loss:

1.  Name it. Some times it’s helpful to simply name the problem. Like going to the doctor: they can’t always solve your problem but they can diagnose it. Somehow, just having a name for it helps. So point to the pain in your life and call it what it is: a loss.

2.  Grieve it. Grief is something we often skip over. Put simply, grief involves a few things:

  • identify your loss
  • acknowledge the impact of the loss on your life
  • give yourself permission to express your emotions about the loss
  • allow God to redefine your new life because of the loss

3. Learn from it. In the book of Lamentations, Jeremiah learned that even though Jerusalem had been destroyed, God was still faithful…his mercies were new every day (Lamentations 3:20-25). God speaks to us in the midst of our darkness.

4. Reframe it. To recover from loss you need to see things from God’s perspective, not a human perspective. You need to see things from an abundance mentality, not a scarcity mentality.

5.  Expect to return from it. There’s no formula for how to return from exile or how to recover from loss. Neither is there a timetable. I can’t promise you when it will happen. But the record shows that God always brings his people out of exile and he brings them out better than when they entered. God spoke to his people   in exile by saying…

They will know that I am the LORD their God because I made them go into exile among the nations, and then gathered them again to their own land ; and I will leave none of them there any longer. Ezekiel 39:28

I know a number of my readers are in exile today. The good news is: God knows that too and he has a plan for you to return from exile. His faithfulness is great and his mercies are new every morning. Let me pray for you here:

Father, in the middle of heartache Jeremiah was able to say: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness…  Father, be with those of us in exile today. Fill us with hope and thanksgiving. Reveal yourself to us. Show us the path out of exile and how to recover from loss. Amen.

This post is taken from a message I spoke on 3.24.13. To read or listen to the entire message, download Return from Exile – Part Two.

Responsibility: Mine or Yours?

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Last week I started a discussion on how to decide whether you should “hold a rope” for someone else. What I’m talking about is boundary setting so you don’t take responsibility for more than you should or enable someone else’s irresponsible behavior.

Track back to read the other posts. I’m offering a number of questions to help people set boundaries. Here are three more:

Is this person trying to pass on their responsibility to me?

Imagine a world where everyone carried their own weight. Maybe that’s heaven! Some people make it their lifelong career to give away their responsibility.  They pushed it off on their mom and brother, then their classmates, their girlfriend/boyfriend, and co-workers.  Through the years they develop the slick ability to never own anything while those around them constantly catch what they let drop. It’s a good deal for them!responsibility

I don’t know about you, but I have enough responsibility. I can’t afford to take on what’s not mine. So I never automatically assume the responsibility when someone hands me a rope. You shouldn’t either. When someone gives you their rope don’t be afraid to ask questions about whether this is their responsibility.  If it’s theirs say, “No thanks. I think that’s your responsibility.” You might say, “But what if they let everything drop and it breaks?”  It’s amazing what consequences teach people. The reason people don’t take responsibility is that someone has always been there to block the natural consequences to their irresponsibility.

Am I the only person who can help?

When someone presents me with a valid need I don’t assume that I’m the best person to solve the problem.  It really helps that I have a strong faith in GOD and not in MY ability to rescue people. There are millions of people on this planet.  God doesn’t need ME. In some cases, I might be uniquely suited to solve a problem. But odds are, I’m NOT the only person who can help. There has to be more pressing reasons for me to pick up a rope than just being handed a rope.  I might offer to hold a rope temporarily while I determine if I’m the right person or until I can find someone else.

Am I willing to extend myself, or drop other ropes to pick up a new one?

Some people feel like they are a bad person or bad Christian if they don’t help. But you have to factor in the full impact of picking up a rope.  I may help you, but by helping you I might have to stop helping someone else. Is that fair?  Maybe.  Most people don’t STOP helping one person when they START helping another. They typically just pick up another rope, which means they fail to help anyone well and burn themselves out in the process.

My wife is very good at challenging me about my schedule. I’ll casually say, “Oh, by the way, I’m going to start teaching a class every Tuesday.” Her classic response is, “That’s great honey. What are you going to drop from your schedule to make this possible?”  It’s taken me a few years (read decades) to learn, but with a full schedule I HAVE to stop something in order to start something else. No excuses.

Because I accept very few ropes, I’m available to fulfill MY daily responsibilities as well as having enough margin to respond to the crises that arise throughout the week where I’m truly needed. People appreciate that availability.

Set Boundaries with God’s Help

Boundaries take wisdom and courage, two things God is happy to give you if you ask. I don’t always mention this because I don’t want to overplay the “God card”, but I use these questions in my prayers to God to help clarify what I should do.

I still have a few more things to say about boundaries in coming posts. Come on back and leave a comment if you can relate to what I’ve said.

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