Category Archives: spiritual abuse

Left Behind: letting go of your friends from an abusive church

abusive churchNow that I’ve released my latest book, Broken Trust, I regularly hear from people stuck in an abusive church or who have just left an abusive church. One question I often get is: What do I do about the friends I leave behind at my former church? I feel so responsible for them. I don’t want to leave them “to the wolves.”

Leaving an Abusive Church

Leaving your friends is one of the hardest parts of leaving an abusive church and it’s what causes many people to stay (when they should leave). When I left an abusive church I didn’t know what to do about my friends who stayed. I wanted to rescue them. And they kept asking me why I was leaving and encouraging me to just stay.

Then I read some advice that said the best thing you can do is have NO contact with friends from your previous church. At first I thought it was terrible advice. It sounded extreme. But over time I realized the wisdom of it. When you stay in contact with people at your former church it only adds unnecessary drama to your life and the lives of your friends. There are the continual updates about “what they did/said this week” and it only leads to gossip and confusion.

You Can’t Decide For Your Friends

It’s important to let people make up their own minds on whether to stay in their abusive church or leave it. You can’t make that decision for them. Their experience isn’t your experience. You need to respect that.

If you compel your friends to leave, they may resent you and eventually return.  Then suddenly YOU are the bad guy. But if you leave and stop communicating with them, that makes a powerful statement. It shows your friends how serious this is to you. It also gives them the freedom to hear from God on their own, without your influence. You have to trust that if God spoke to you about leaving the abuse, he can speak to your friends as well.

What To Tell Your Friends

There is no recipe that “works” in this situation. It’s like a divorce. You are just trying to make the best of a very bad situation. Personally, I would tell my friends that stay in the abusive church something like this:

“Friend, I’m leaving the church for these reasons (list). I don’t want to sway you to leave and I’m not going to defend my reasons for leaving. I’m sorry to have to say this but I’m not going to be in contact with you for an extended period of time. I don’t want to cause any dissension in the church or be a stumbling block in your faith. I leave you to make up your own mind. For this reason, it’s best that we don’t talk for a season until we are all settled on what’s right for us. I love you. I’ll be praying for you and the church. I’ll miss you. I’m not doing this to hurt you. I believe it’s the best for everyone.”

I understand that this is hard, but there’s nothing easy about an abusive church. I believe that drawing these firm boundaries are necessary. You may not agree with this approach. That’s fine. Let me know what you have found that has worked better for you.

If you are looking for practical answers to help you to deal with an abusive church situation you might want to check out Broken Trust and read the reviews from people who have already read it.

Facebooktwitterrss

Free Book on Spiritual Abuse and How to Overcome It: Broken Trust

Free on Kindle

Today on Kindle, I’m offering a free book on spiritual abuse, my latest book called, Broken Trust...a practical guide to identify and recover from toxic faith, toxic church, and spiritual abuse. 

Amazon.com lets me give my Kindle books away for free every so often. I hope you will take advantage of this offer and tell your friends.

If you prefer the paperback version, you can order it for a 25% discount by clicking this link. I’m able to offer the price break because this link bypasses Amazon.com and goes right to the publisher.

Could you do me a favor?

If you download and read Broken Trust, would you be so kind as to review it on the Amazon page? Books live and die by their reviews. The more reviews a book has, and the better the rating, the more the book pops up in Amazon search.

Much appreciated!

People are saying good things about Broken Trust!

I’m pleased at the response the book has gotten after just three weeks. Here are two examples:

One of the best books I have read on how to process and deal with broken trust in churches by those in authority…It has practical applications on how to move forward in your life and finding peace that passes all understanding in your situation! This is a must read for you if you have undeserved hurt by other Christians and leaders. R.C.

I wish I had found a book like this 25 years ago. Remy does a great job unraveling the mystery behind spiritual abuse, toxic churches and how these churches cloak abuse under the guise of spirituality. Almost every page of the book I was thinking, “that’s my situation exactly” or “that has happened to me”. People are just now beginning to understand what makes these abusers tick. Thank you Remy for filling in the blanks and helping me connect the dots. M.U.

Free Book on Spiritual Abuse

Don’t be shy. Download the book and let others know too. Post it on your Facebook page. The free Kindle is only available for two days.

 

Facebooktwitterrss

New Book on Spiritual Abuse: Broken Trust – Now Available

A new book on spiritual abuse.

I’m happy to announce that Broken Trusta practical guide to identify and recover from toxic faith, toxic church, and spiritual abuse, is now available for sale in paperback and on Kindle.

I’m excited for people to read it. I believe its practical nature will give many people the answers and direction they’ve been looking for.

Where to Buy Broken Trust:

Broken Trust Endorsements

…a “MUST READ for all pastors, spiritual leaders, and prospective church leaders!” Mark Halvorsen, Radio broadcaster

I will send a signed paperback copy of the book to the first 20 people who post a review on Amazon.com

This book is a cup of cold water in the desert! Remy “hears” the stories of victims, legitimizes what happened to them, and goes to the root of the problem. Liz Tinnea, ourunseenhope.com

This book will be an invaluable tool to enable congregation members and those in authority to understand the reality of toxic groups and cults and reach out in love to their victims.  Emily Walker de Villasenorfaithafterdeception.wordpress.com

As a victim of a toxic church, this book touched me personally and gave me hope in my Savior that He can heal the wounds caused by church leaders, it is just going to take time. Jim BrangenbergRadio Talk Show Host iWork4Him

Spiritual abuse and Toxic church is a complex maze, fraught with danger. Broken Trust offers a safe passage for those lost on the journey…Remy’s gift of writing is in his clarity and connection with the reader founded on sound biblical principles and personal healing.  Bill Huxley– Counselor, Psychotherapist and Survivor.

As a spiritual abuse survivor and blogger, I have now read dozens of books about this topic. Many are academic in nature, or very dense. I am comfortable saying that this book provides the clearest, simplest, most helpful coverage of spiritual abuse and recovery.” Stephen A. Smith, libertyforcaptives.com

You Can Help Spread the Word

All abuse is hidden, including spiritual abuse. The best way to dismantle spiritual abuse is to drag it into the light. I’m asking you to help promote this book to help defeat spiritual abuse.

I truly believe that people will find freedom from spiritual bondage by reading this book. Would you help get the word out?

Here’s how to help:

  1. Buy the book for yourself to educate yourself on spiritual abuse.
  2. Buy the book for friends who have expressed concern about their faith community.
  3. Post a review on Amazon.com. The more reviews, the more encouragement you will give others to buy it. Plus, it will rank higher on Amazon’s list and be more visible for book searches.    I will send a signed paperback copy of the book to the first 20 people who post a review on Amazon.com and let me know.
  4. Post a review on your blog or Facebook page with a link to the book.
  5. Make it available in your church lobby for sale.
  6. Put a link to the book on your blog or website.
  7. Interview me on your radio show or podcast.
  8. Like this post and share it on Facebook or in an email.

Thanks so much for your support! I look forward to hearing back from my readers.

Facebooktwitterrss

Abusive Pastors, Understanding Why They Do What They Do

If you’ve been subjected to spiritually abusive pastors or leaders, you might wonder how that is even possible. Aren’t spiritual leaders supposed to be the ones who have their lives together? After all, how can they lead you into a healthy relationship with God if they don’t have one themselves?

According to NetCE,[i] there are three primary traits that cause people to spiritually abuse others:

  1. Narcissistic traits/tendencies, resulting from a deep insecurity. For many who spiritually abuse, having spiritual knowledge to hold over people becomes a way to meet their need for inner security or self-esteem.
  2. A genuine belief that one is doing “the right thing” (rarely an intent to harm). Many who act out in spiritually abusive ways genuinely believe they have found some type of “answer” and desire to share it with others, likely unaware of the subconscious insecurities that drive them.
  3. Skills in the language of love, emotions, trust, and intimacy.[ii]

These three traits create the perfect storm of spiritual abuse. It starts with insecurity.  In my opinion, shame is at the heart of the abusive pastor’s insecurity and narcissistic behavior. Shame is an inner gnawing that convinces them that they don’t measure up. Their deep sense of inadequacy is then transformed when they find the “truth,” but not always in a good way.

Abusive Pastors are Well-intentioned Dragons

Coming to faith can set you free, but it can also be misused to justify your much-needed sense of superiority. Your shame seizes the opportunity to exalt yourself over others, but you don’t see what you are doing because you think you are helping people find the truth like you did. Your leadership is tainted from the beginning.

Abusive pastors are often well-intentioned dragons, forcing their will on people thinking they are doing people a favor. When people resist, the pastor doesn’t think he/she is at fault. It’s the person’s lack of faith or spiritual interest. So, the pastor either increases his/her control over their member or dismisses them as unworthy.

In their classic book, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, authors Johnson and Van Vonderen make this observation:

There are spiritual systems in which…the members are there to meet the needs of the leaders… These leaders attempt to find fulfillment through the religious performance of the very people whom they are there to serve and build. This is an inversion of the body of Christ. It is spiritual abuse. (p.23)

It’s sad to see people use spiritual leadership to meet their own emotional needs.

Confronting Abusive Pastors

In my new book, Broken Trust, I suggest that if you are being spiritually abused, you should either confront your abusive leadership or leave the church. Unfortunately, it’s often very hard to confront abusive pastors because they rarely see their faults and are very defensive when confronted.  

Converge Magazine wrote an excellent article looking at the ministry of a nationally known spiritual leader and why he needed to be confronted.

The greatest difficulty in ministering to abusers is this: they don’t believe there is anything really wrong with them. Their skills at self-deception, combined with their distortions of thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes, fortifies them against recognizing their soul sickness.[i]

If you are waiting for a spiritually abusive leader to see their sin and change, you might be waiting a long time.

Helping Abusive Pastors

In Broken Trust, I include an entire section to help pastors dismantle their spiritually abusive church. Some pastors are evil. But many pastors stumble into abuse for a variety of reasons…as I mentioned, often related to their shame.

Many abusive pastors choose their tactics thinking they are serving God and believers. They don’t realize they are doing much harm. They are no different from well-intentioned parents whose poor leadership ends up hurting their children.

If you are suffering under the ministry of an abusive pastor, I hope you will confront him/her. But if you can’t confront, then I hope you will leave their ministry. One way or another, they need to get the message that their tactics are hurting people.

This post was adapted from Broken Trust…a practical guide to identify and recover from toxic faith, toxic church, and spiritual abuse.

[i] https://convergemagazine.com/real-love-mark-driscoll-14786/2/

[i]  NetCE offers Nationally accredited Evidence-based CME / CEU / CE for healthcare professionals.

[ii] Understanding and Treating Spiritual Abuse. Jamie Marich, Ph.D., LPCC-S, LICDC-CS, www.NetCE.com

Facebooktwitterrss

Spiritual Abuse and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Spiritual abuse and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

In my last post, I mentioned five lessons I learned from spiritual abuse survivors in the writing of my new book, Broken Trust. One of the lessons is that post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is more prevalent than you might realize among survivors of spiritual abuse.

In writing Broken Trust, I purposefully sought out input from survivors of spiritual abuse. As I heard back from these people, they shared a common experience. Many of them were easily triggered by words and experiences that the average believer finds normal.

For example, singing a popular worship song in church, hearing a particular Bible verse quoted, or even being introduced to a pastor might trigger a “fight or flight” response: a sudden panic attack or intense anger. Possibly both.

Here is a brief video that discusses this phenomenon. 

What I find troubling is the guilt that often accompanies this experience. People often conclude that their negative response to these spiritual inputs mean that something is wrong with them. They must be defective to have such an adverse reaction to a spiritual experience. It makes them question if the accusations from their abusive congregation were right.

Maybe they are the problem.

PTSD doesn’t have to come from one powerfully traumatic experience. It can come from the slow drip of the stripping of your dignity that happens with spiritual abuse.

Maybe they were wrong to leave.

Maybe they are hypersensitive and unreasonable.

It reminds me of my experience after leaving a spiritually abusive church. I was unable to attend worship services any place for five years, even though I tried many times to return. I didn’t have panic attacks, but the services seemed superficial and inauthentic. I left the services more irritated than inspired.

I don’t think I suffered from PTSD, but my experience helped me relate to what I was hearing from others. My bad church experience deeply affected me. It changed me. It wasn’t something I could just “get over.”

Spiritual Abuse and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Stephen A. Smith blogs about spiritual abuse at libertyforcaptives.com. He wrote an article called, “Crock Pot Trauma” that I recommend you take the time to read. Here is an excerpt from his article:

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV) classifies and describes various anxiety disorders, one of which is post traumatic stress. Part of the classification of post traumatic stress is the reaction to the traumatic event:

  • Triggered panic attacks
  • Agoraphobia (fear of being trapped, or loss of control around people)
  • Avoidance of places or people which remind us of the traumatic event or situation
  • Restricted expression of affect (difficulty feeling happy or loved)
  • Depression
  • Irritability
  • Trouble with nightmares or lack of sleep
  • Hypervigilance
  • Exaggerated startle response
  • Flashbacks
  • Inability to function in relationships
  • Sense of a foreshortened future
  • Feeling trapped, detached or estranged from other people.

While not every spiritual abuse victim suffers these symptoms, some do. I have experienced all of these symptoms during the past five years—and I know folks from my former church and other cult-like groups who have experienced similar symptoms. Indeed, the church consulting agency that helped our church disband recommended that the church be shut down entirely. They did this because almost every member of the congregation was traumatized when they entered the church building. In a manner of speaking, we were all spiritual POWs now set free. Yet many of us still carry psychological chains.

Sometimes it takes very little to rattle those chains. Situations which trigger my feelings of panic include: seeing a police car turn on its lights behind me; reading the same translation of the Bible that my former pastor favored; being late to an event by even one minute; encountering an authority figure; hearing the old hymns that my former church used to play; walking into a congregation of less than 100 people; participating in an event which has a formalized dress code; grocery shopping; and flossing my teeth. Yes, in my former church we even had a theology of flossing. Our pastor equated flossing with spiritual maturity.

What I’m hoping you’ll see is that PTSD doesn’t have to come from one powerfully traumatic experience. It can come from the slow drip of the stripping of your dignity that happens with spiritual abuse. If you have experienced this kind of abuse, you are not defective. You don’t need fixing. You need healing. Your soul has been ravaged. It’s not your fault, no matter what others say or what you might feel.

If you have experienced some kind of spiritual abuse, please consider that you might be suffering from PTSD. It’s a very serious condition that requires outside help from a professional.

In Broken Trust I wrote:

Spiritual abuse will convince you that it is selfish to think of yourself. You are conditioned to feel guilt whenever you put your needs before the needs of the organization. Seeking help might even imply that your spiritual leaders are wrong, and you don’t want to make that accusation. But if you want to regain wholeness, it’s imperative that you get very “selfish” right now and seek the healing you need. Chapter Fourteen: How to Recover From Spiritual Abuse, Broken Trust

The impact of spiritual abuse won’t just go away on its own. I hope you care for yourself enough to seek help.

 

Facebooktwitterrss

Best Books on Spiritual Abuse: Broken Trust Tops the List

What are the best books on spiritual abuse?

I’ve sent out a few copies of my upcoming book on spiritual abuse, called Broken Trust. I’m grateful to see that one reviewer (Stephen A. Smith) put it on the top of his list of fifteen books on spiritual abuse. Here is his list in the order that he recommends them:

Best Books on Spiritual Abuse (libertyforcaptives.com) 

  1. Broken Trust: A practical guide to identify and recover from toxic faith, toxic

    Stephen A. Smith

    church, and spiritual abuse by F. Remy Diederich (this title available from Amazon Sept. 18, 2017)

  2. The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen
  3. Twisted Scriptures by Mary Chrnalogar
  4. The Heresy of Mind Control by Stephen Martin
  5. Churches that Abuse: Help for Those Hurt by Legalism and Authoritarian Leadership by Ronald Enroth
  6. Coping with Cult Involvement by Livia Bardin
  7. Spiritual Abuse Recovery: Dynamic Research on Finding a Place of Wholeness by Barb Orlowski, Ph.D.
  8. To Be Told: Know Your Story, Shape Your Future by Dan Allender
  9. Leading with a Limp by Dan Allender
  10. “Spiritual Authority” by Hal Miller (an article @ http://www.home-church.org/scc/authority.html )
  11. The Wrong Way Home: Uncovering the Patterns of Cult Behavior in American Society by Arthur J. Deikman, M.D.
  12. Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
  13. Families Where Grace is in Place by Jeff VanVonderen
  14. Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve by Lewis B. Smedes
  15. When God’s People Let You Down by Jeff VanVonderen

You can visit Steve’s helpful website here. 

If you would like a free copy of Broken Trust to review on your blog, please contact me here.

If you are not a blogger but would like to be on my launch team, please see the details in my previous post.

 

Facebooktwitterrss

A New Book On Spiritual Abuse Available Soon

I’m pleased to announced that my new book on spiritual abuse is now available for pre-order on Amazon.com.

I’ve been working on Broken Trust for the past year. The book is subtitled: a practical guide to identify and recover from toxic faith, toxic church, and spiritual abuse. That’s an accurate description of what the book is about.

..this book provides the clearest, simplest, most helpful coverage of spiritual abuse and recovery.”

The book is so much better than what I had initially planned. I planned on simply spinning off a book from a series of blog posts I wrote with a few related sermons. Then I had the idea of inviting survivors of spiritual abuse into the process of writing the book. Good decision!

The book took on a totally different feel. Rather than a one-dimensional slant coming solely from my perspective, my helpers challenged me in many ways to consider new angles on the topic that I hadn’t personally experienced myself. The result is a much broader and more compassionate approach to the topic.

High Praise for the Book

I’ve sent out many draft copies of Broken Trust already for feedback. One survivor of spiritual abuse, and avid blogger on the topic, replied back to me saying:

“As a spiritual abuse survivor and blogger, I have now read dozens of books about this topic. Many are academic in nature, or very dense. I am comfortable saying that this book provides the clearest, simplest, most helpful coverage of spiritual abuse and recovery.”

That was great to hear and gave me the confidence to start finalizing the book and put the publishing in motion.

The book is scheduled to launch on September 18th. I still have some final tweaks to make on the book, but the clock is ticking.

Would You Join My Launch Team?

My hope is that my book gives grace and wisdom to readers who have been deeply hurt by abusive church leaders. I want so much for people to make a full recovery and not be reduced to spiritual “road-kill.”

Would you consider doing the following?

  1. Read a free advance PDF copy of the book.
  2. Post a review of it on amazon.com on September 18th.
  3. Repost your review on your blog and/or Facebook page.
  4. Share a link to the book on your Facebook page or other social media.

I’ll send a signed paperback copy of the book to the first twenty people who post a verified purchase review of the book on amazon.com and post a copy of the review on their Facebook page.

Reply to me here if you are game to help launch the book!

Read more about the book on amazon.com

Facebooktwitterrss