Category Archives: religion and spirituality

Get a Free Copy of the New STUCK Sampler

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I’m excited to offer my new sampler of my upcoming book STUCK…how to mend and move on from broken relationships.  I’ll tell you how to get it in a minute.

STUCK...how to mend and move on from broken relationships

STUCK…how to mend and move on from broken relationships

I made the mistake of thinking that I could easily turn a curriculum of mine on forgiveness into a book. Well…I could have but then I came up with the idea of using being “stuck” as a metaphor for how it feels to be in a broken relationship.  So I rewrote the entire book with that theme it mind.

Plus I added a number of real life stories.  STUCK is a hands on guide to help you understand what causes relationships to break down and then how to get them moving again.  It’s also very realistic. There are times when relationships can’t be restored. I address that as well with practical steps.

It’s a spiritual book. I just don’t see how people can navigate broken relationships without the wisdom and strength of God. So I don’t shy away from quoting the Bible and talking about how God can help you through your mess. But I always write with the non-believer in mind. So even if you don’t buy the God “thing” or the Bible, the principles make sense and offer solid wisdom.

The book is due to release the week before Christmas.  At the back of the sampler I give a special offer:

If you are one of the first 50 people to read and review the book (on amazon.com and your blog or Facebook) I’ll give you the links to my four-hour seminar/audio book that is the basis for the book STUCK.  

More details are at the back of the sampler. If possible, we’ll make the book available for sale early to these 50 people so the reviews will be ready on amazon.com on Day One.

To get the STUCK Sampler do the following:

    1. If you have not yet subscribed to this blog, subscribe AND share this post with your Facebook, Twitter, etc friends by clicking below. I’ll send you a pdf file of the sampler.
    2. If you are already a subscriber, leave a comment below about why you’d like to read the book AND  share this post with your Facebook, Twitter, etc. friends by clicking below.

I’m looking forward to dialoguing with everyone about the book. Broken relationships often consume us. Wouldn’t it be great if we could work on them together?

Regret Proof Your Life With Better Decisions

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Regret Proof Your Life

Regret Proof Your Life – Be Present

Good decisions are hard to come by.  I often meet people after they’ve made a bad decision.  I’ve learned about regret by talking to hundreds of people who regret their past.

Occasionally people come to see me BEFORE the decision.  They realize the weight of the situation at hand and want all the input they can get. Wise people.

I’ve made my share of bad decisions but  I made a good one last week…to drop everything to visit my siblings after my mother’s death (the memorial is not for a month).  It required leaving work for two days (I’m already buried in work after being gone for two weeks) but it was the right thing to do. It was very important for my family’s grieving process. If I hadn’t done that I would have regretted it in the future.

That decision got me thinking about regret and decision-making in general. There are some decisions that you can wait on. But other decisions require your full attention and the ability to act on them before the window of opportunity closes. How you respond in that moment determines if you will be celebrating or kicking yourself later on.

Given those two polar opposites here are seven ideas to help you regret proof your life.

Seven Keys to Regret Proof Your Life

  1. Be present. This means to clue into THIS moment mentally and not be thinking about your past or your future. THIS MOMENT requires your attention if you want to have a good future and a no regret past.  There is a quote in the Bible that says that the men of Issachar were wise because they understood their times.  They knew what to do because they were tuned into the moment. It’s important to discern when opportunities or threats need your attention and take action.
  2. Anticipate. To help you be present it’s important to identify those moments in advance so they don’t catch you by surprise. I find it helpful to take time to be quiet, reflect and pray asking God to show me those moments that need my attention.  A few years ago I recognized that my mom was slowing slipping away. I decided to visit her more and be ready to drop everything so I could be near her in the end. That’s what happened and I have great memories now of my mom in her last days. Anticipate these key moments in your life and the lives of your loved ones so you can be there and say the right thing in the moment.
  3. Ask yourself…will I ever have this moment again? Some opportunities only come once.  When that reality hits your radar you need to sit up and take note. It’s not time to hesitate. It’s not time to procrastinate. I only have one opportunity to grieve my mother. I will either do it well or not. If I’m not cued into the NOW then I will most likely have regret.  There are many moments when you only have once chance to say the right thing; one chance to make the sale, one chance to comfort a hurting friend, one chance to say good-bye. Don’t miss the moment.
  4. Ask yourself…will I regret not taking action?   Last week I could have easily pooh-poohed the idea of visiting my family. I was swamped at work.  But I asked myself…will I regret this in the future?  The answer was a big “yes”.  I knew I’d look back and kick myself saying…What were you thinking?  Was work really THAT important?  More important than grieving well and connecting with family?
  5. Prepare for the moment. We often get paralyzed and procrastinate in the moment because we don’t know what to say or do. We feel inadequate so we freeze.  This always amazes me because there is almost always SOMEONE who can help you. But don’t just ask anyone. Ask people for advice who have shown success in what you are questioning.  When I have financial questions I ask people who have managed their money well. When I have parenting questions I ask a friend who has done a great job raising his kids.
  6. Get input from the Bible.  There is so much good advice in the Bible. Unfortunately, many people never crack it open. Even if you don’t believe in God the Bible is a time-tested book of wisdom telling us what kind of decisions succeed and fail.  Check out the book of Proverbs.
  7. Pull the trigger. After you’ve anticipated, prepared and are present then take action. Do or say the right thing. Don’t equivocate.

My dad had a saying…you gotta be thinking all the time.  What that means is that I need to be present. I need to be aware of my surroundings…the opportunities and threats in all walks of life. I can’t afford to be lazy mentally or I’ll pay for it. I’ll regret.

Many people have complained to me that their life has been one bad thing after another.  What’s often true is that they made one bad decision (or non-decision) after another. Good decisions will change your life. There are many “one-time” decisions that relate to finances, relationships, sex, career and more. You don’t want to be led by your emotions or peer pressure or your busy schedule. That only leads to regret. This post is my simple attempt at helping you on the FRONT side of your decisions and not the BACK side.

Question: What are some things that have led to regret or saved you from regret? Leave your comment below and “share the knowledge”  by clicking the links below. Thanks.

Shame, Broken Relationships and God

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Shame, broken relationships and God

After publishing my book (Healing the Hurts of Your Past, December 2011) I decided it was time to jump into the blogging world more seriously. I found that the little tag line in the upper right hand corner of the blog page haunted me a bit. How exactly DID I want to describe my blog in ten words or less?

I took a few stabs at it. I recently changed it…again.  It now reads…overcoming shame and broken relationships with God’s help.

It’s taken a bit of work to find my blogging “voice”. What is it that I want to use this space to communicate? The blogs I like the best are specific. Seth Godin always challenges me to think big and counter the establishment. Michael Hyatt talks a lot about publishing and leadership.

I have decided to carve out my own niche…not your typical “popular” topic. Yet, in my opinion, very important; shame, broken relationships and God.

Put simply, God created us to be relational, that is, to  connect with other people. This is where we find our greatest joy.  But there is this thing called “shame” that keeps getting in the way.  Shame shuts us down and causes us to disconnect from one another. Disconnection causes our greatest pain and that pain causes us to self destruct. Maybe you can relate.

The Bible says that in the beginning there was no such thing as shame (Genesis 2:25). But in Genesis 3:7 shame appears when the first people chose to turn away from God. After that relationships just got hard. Thankfully, the Bible shows us a way to reconnect…with each other as well as with God.

Shame, broken relationships and God. The big three in my book.  Understand these three and you’ve solved most of the big issues in life.  I’ve taught on this for years now and from what people tell me…it helps.

I’d be honored if you’d follow this blog and enter a dialogue with me. Listen in. Push back. Agree. Whatever…but let’s explore how God can set us free to become the people we have always wanted to be but were just too afraid to try.

If you know someone who might have similar interest I hope you’ll invite them along too. Thanks.

Upcoming Webinar: My publisher is working at putting together a webinar (online seminar)  in the near future. This will be a 60 minute overview of my book, Healing the Hurts of Your Past. If you want to know more about this webinar please comment below or contact my publisher directly at jason@crosspointpublishing.com. It might be good for you personally, a church or counseling staff or a small group study. If it is well received we might offer a series of webinars that go deeper into each chapter of the book.

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Four Keys to Restoring a Broken Relationship

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Restoring a Broken Relationship

Restoring a Broken Relationship

How do you restore a broken  relationship? Many of us have a relationship that has died. You didn’t plan it. You don’t like it. You wish things were different. It just is.

This broken relationship haunts you like the garden you planted with so much hope but now lies dormant with stunted plants and choked by weeds. It started with so much hope but is now an embarrassment. The best remedy you have is to ignore it…avoid walking by it so you won’t feel so bad.  But deep down you know there  is more you could have done…maybe even more you can do right now. You just don’t know what and you are not so sure  it’s even worth your time if you did.

How to Restore a Broken Relationship

Thankfully God gives us a perfect model for how to restore a broken relationship. Maybe you’ve never thought about it this way but Jesus didn’t rise from the dead so we could live forever. Jesus rose from the dead so God could be in relationship with us forever. The resurrection was the last step in God providing a solution to the broken relationship that existed between God and humanity.

Here are four keys to restoring a broken relationship that God  modeled for us;

  1. Great Love – You can’t seek to restore a broken relationship half heartily any more than you can restore a garden half heartily. You have to be “all-in” from the start if you want to have a chance. The Bible tells us that God “SO LOVED” the world that he sent his Son. (John 3:16). God’s love was the driving force to restoration. You need that as well.
  2. Deliberate Action – Love isn’t passive. It acts. Love isn’t an emotion. It’s something you do. God DEMONSTRATED his love for us by moving toward us, not away from us (Romans 5:8). Many people hope for the best but never do anything to make the best happen. You need a plan of action.
  3. Servant Humility – I don’t like humbling myself when I’m wrong. And I don’t think I should have to humble myself when I’m right. The person in the wrong needs to take action, not me. Thankfully God didn’t have that attitude. The Bible tells us that Jesus emptied himself of his right to being God (Philippians 2:5-8), humbled himself like a servant, and willingly died to put things right between us. If you really want to repair a relationship you’ll need to lay down your pride and your rights. You’ve got to do whatever it takes.
  4. Amazing Power – One of the main reasons people don’t restore a broken relationship is because it’s dead. There is no life. There is no hope.  There is nothing in them that motivates them to move toward the other. That’s why we need God. In fact, we need him for all four of these keys; great love, deliberate action, servant humility and now power. He’s got what  we need. Reconciliation is a divine act. So don’t give up on a broken relationship just because it’s dead. Give God a chance to breathe his resurrection life into it. You might be amazed at what rises from the dead.
Stuck broken relationships

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Question: What are the biggest issues that keep you from restoring a broken relationship? Have you ever seen  God resurrect a relationship for you? I’d love to hear back.

To learn more about broken relationship check out my new book, STUCK…how to mend and move on from broken relationships.

 Download the message (audio/text) Restoring Broken Relationships here.

What Causes Shame? – Study Guide 2

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shame

What causes shame?

This is part two to an overview of my book  Healing the Hurts of the Past; a guide to overcoming the pain of shame.  You can also listen to a radio interview that covered this in more detail. We looked at what causes shame.

The second interview covered what I call the “roots of shame” following my model of the Shame  Tree. We spend most of our time reflecting on abuse but here are the five areas discussed in the book:

  1. Abuse
  2. Ridicule
  3. Neglect
  4. Family and Personal Secrets
  5. Trauma

What Causes Shame?

When I talk about shame most people assume I’m talking about feeling ashamed for the bad things you’ve done. But in reality shame has more to do with things that have been DONE TO  YOU. The bad things you’ve done can lead to shame but more often guilt. I discussed the difference between shame and guilt in a previous post (see below).

The Lies of Shame

The most important thing to understand about the cause of shame is that it’s not an event that causes shame. It’s the LIES YOU BELIEVE about that event. Where there are no lies there is no shame. It’s the lies that breathe life into your shame.  For example, when you are abused you might believe the lie...If this important authority figure is abusing me they must know something about me that I don’t. I must be worthless. 

Overcoming Shame

The connection between events and the lies we believe is actually good news because if you can deal with the lies in your life you can ELIMINATE THE SHAME. If shame was directly tied to the events then there would be no escaping the pain of shame.   But lies can be exposed as false and when that happens freedom follows.  If what causes shame is lies. Then truth is what will overcome shame.

The truth that we all need to know is that God loves us unconditionally and no person can take that away from us. When we fully receive this truth and allow it to penetrate our being we will be new people. Pray that this will be so in your life!

I talked about much more on the podcast and answered some live call-in questions. I hope you can take the time to give it a listen!  Why not get the book and join  in  the study?

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Jill Kinmont Boothe – The Gift of Pain

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Jill Kinmont Boothe

Jill Kinmont Boothe

I just completed a three-week series at my church called “Walking With God in the Desert”. Today I finished the series by talking about “The Gift of Pain”.   My point in this message is that we all suffer with something…some more than others. Pain teaches us things nothing else can. The lessons we learn are “gifts” to share with others in pain. This story about Jill Kinmont Boothe is a good example of someone who did just that.

Jill Kinmont Boothe

Time magazine has an obituary section where they mention famous people who died recently.  It’s interesting to read because I’ve never heard about most of the people they mention since they were famous 40 or 50 years ago.

Last month a woman died whom I had never heard of before. Her name was Jill Kinmont Boothe.  She was the national slalom skiing champion back in 1955. She went to the Olympics and was featured on the front page of Sports Illustrated that year. But during one of her pre-Olympic races she lost control, struck a spectator and crashed into a tree.  Another article by the LA Times gave more detail. It said…

When she finally came to a stop, she couldn’t feel anything. This must be death, she later recalled thinking. Her neck broken, she was paralyzed below her shoulders, her promising career as a skier over at 18. Los Angeles Times

Jill was determined to walk and ski again. But she never did. Jill spent the rest of her life in a wheelchair. But that never stopped her. She went on to get two degrees and a teaching certificate although no one would hire her. Finally a school district in Beverly Hills hired her where she taught remedial reading for a several years.

If that wasn’t enough heart-break for one person, Jill had a number of other losses in her life.  Her teenage boyfriend was killed in an avalanche. A second love died when his small plane crashed in Donner Lake. And a UCLA friend who mentored her succumbed to an undiagnosed disease. When asked how she dealt with so much loss she said…

“To get mad, to scream and holler, to tell the world — that doesn’t get you anywhere,”   ”You sort of look for what’s good that’s left, I guess.”

Her husband commented about her saying…

“I think the thing that impressed me most the first time I met her was that after a few minutes you forgot all about her being in a wheelchair,” “She obviously isn’t preoccupied by it and pretty soon you’re not either.”

I’m so impressed with her resilience…her ability to bounce back from a series of tragedies and overcome them. Not only did she survive but she gave her life to help others.  As noted in the LAObserved link below it tells us that…

They know her well in the Eastern Sierra communities along U.S. highway 395. She was a public school teacher for 32 years, including 21 years with special ed kids at Bishop Union Elementary School. When a new high school opened in Bishop, the students voted to name it the Jill Kinmont Boothe School. She oversaw the Indian Education Fund, which provides scholarships to local Native American youth, and had a local following as a painter. “My way of wanting to do all this stuff probably stems a lot from my competitive endeavors because I like to focus on something,” Jill Kinmont Boothe told Jerry Crowe of the LA Times last year. “I’m sort of determined.”

She was “sort of” determined. I don’t know where she was at spiritually but I believe that God has hardwired resilience into us.  Whether we choose to recognize him or not, we have the ability to bounce back against incredible odds. It takes people like Jill to show us our potential.

Sadly, many of us never tap into the potential that is ours…not just to rebound but to use our hardship to help others. That’s what I mean by the “Gift of Pain”. There are things that we learn only through pain. But once we learn them we become a wealth of wisdom for others.

As you look at the pain of your past you have two choices; one, to lament the tragedy and limp through life as a victim. The other choice is to work through these natural feelings and then use the pain to help others. That’s what Jill Kinmont Boothe did. I hope you’ll find the courage to do the same.

Join me for part two as I reflect in more detail about the “Gift of Pain”.

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