Category Archives: healing hurts

A Crash And Burn Sends You to the Sideline

crash and burn

The sidelines is where we prepare to make our return.

This post continues my series on how to recover from a crash and burn. It is based on the story of the Israelites when they “crashed and burned” and were sent into exile to live in Babylon for 70 years. It’s ancient history, yes. But it’s relevant to anyone who fails miserably and ends up on the sidelines of life. Track back to read the earlier posts.

It might seem that when you crash and burn you are sent to the sidelines to sit out for the rest of the game. But the sideline is the place to regroup, heal up and get some good coaching so you can make a comeback. Here are two more advantages of exile (the sideline).

Exile puts you in a place to see God move.

When you’ve made a mess of your life there is a tendency to think that God won’t show up for you anymore. But that’s not true. God wants to do amazing things in your life and it starts in exile. If you read the book of Daniel in the Bible it’s about what happened in exile. God showed up in some miraculous ways in exile.  God didn’t wait until the Jews got back to Israel to work miracles. He didn’t wait until they were living the perfect life.

God does the same with us.  He’s not waiting for you to get your life back together before he moves in your life. He wants to move in your life today, even in exile, so you CAN get your life back together. I’ve seen this in the lives of divorced couples. They feel so defeated. But God shows up to bless them both. It’s amazing and so contrary to what they think will happen. They assume that after failing at marriage they have to suffer. But God’s not out to punish them. He’s out to transform them.

Exile gives you time to form new habits.

Exile is typically a long period of time, not just a few weeks. A few weeks isn’t an exile. That’s just a bad vacation!  Most of us want to get out of exile long before our time is up. So we need to readjust our thinking and prepare for the long haul. When Moses killed a man he spent 40 years in the wilderness before God used him to lead the Exodus. For the Jews, their time in exile was set for 70 years. This is what the God said:

When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place.   Jeremiah 29:10

God wants to restore us but we have to endure the exile first. The seventy years needed to be “completed” before God brought them back. There is a set time for exile and you can’t rush it. I’ve been through my share of exiles…some for months, some for years… and Psalm 37 often guided me…

Trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Psalm 37:3

I felt God used this verse to keep me grounded in TODAY and not jump into tomorrow. He wanted me to be faithful to the people in my life and not complain to God about why I wasn’t moving on to the next phase of my life.

My point here is, don’t spend your exile wishing your life away. Embrace it. Make the most of your time by working on the things that made you crash and burn in the first place. Exile is a time for building your character because character is only built in hard places…not easy ones.

Question: I’d love to hear from you about your sense of exile. What good things have you seen happen to help you recover?  Leave your comment below.

Inner Healing Starts with the Starter Kit

Inner healing happens when God touches your emotions and heals a past hurt. It’s been exciting to hear back from people who have used my book, Healing the Hurts of Your Past, to find inner healing. Here’s what one reader said…

I loved reading your book a few weeks ago!  It really cleared things up for me even though I thought all possible things I could do about my history were done… (Psychotherapy, Counseling…). It was such a big help for me to see things in a clearly defined biblical connection as well! God really touched me through you and lots of things are being restored in my heart even still. I was suffering from PTSD and autoimmune disorders and depression since I was a little kid. But God helped me through all the years so I could live a `normal` life, heal more and more and I am now happily married (for the first time) … I am so grateful for all of that! 

Inner Healing starts with the Starter Kit

It’s great to hear this kind of response but what really excites me is how people are starting to use the book to go beyond themselves and share inner healing in a small group study. My publisher (Crosspoint Publishing) wants to help make this happen so they have put together a nice “kit” for only $49.95. (Total value = $144.50).

With this kit you get:

Inner Healing with Healing the Hurts of Your Past Starter Kit

Starter Kit only $49.95
Click image to learn more

  • Five copies of Healing the Hurts of Your Past – the book. ($49.75 value)
  • A downloadable PDF version of the book Study Guide which you can reproduce for your group. ($4.95 value)
  • The six part mp3 Downloads Remy’s Radio Small Group Study. ($29.95 value)

Right now Crosspoint is offering three free bonus gifts for a limited time:

  1. The kindle version of Healing the Hurts of Your Past ($6.95 value).
  2. The audio seminar version of Healing the Hurts of Your Past ($49.95 value).
  3. The new e-book, “FORGIVEN…once and for all”. ($4.95 value).
 TOTAL VALUE = $144.50.  All of this for $49.95.  Click here to learn more or place an order.

You don’t have to wait for your church to start an inner healing ministry. Start it this summer with this Starter Kit!

Let me know if you start a group. I’d love to hear about it!

Please share this on FACEBOOK to let other people know about it.

Coping Mechanisms are the Solution Not the Problem

Coping Mechanisms are not the Problem

Coping Mechanisms are not the Problem

In my book, Healing the Hurts of Your Past, I talk about a variety of coping mechanisms for shame; addictions, perfectionism, people-pleasing, etc.  But reading this list can add to a person’s shame!  To bring this into perspective I shared this simple analogy from my days living on 24o acres of farmland and woods…

Imagine that I am out a mile from home, deep in the woods. All I have is my chainsaw, some gas, oil, a fresh chain, a wrench and a dirty rag to wipe up the gas or oil spill. Then, the saw kicks back on me and I put a huge gash in my leg. Given what I had, what might I do?

I can imagine that if the blood was flowing I might grab that rag and shove it in the wound to stop the bleeding, right? But the very thing that I did to solve my problem could actually kill me. Why? Because the dirt in the rag could easily get into my bloodstream and spread infection throughout my body which would, in turn, kill me.

The smart thing for me to do in that situation is to take off my shirt and use it instead of the rag. But when are in crisis you don’t always do the smart thing, do you? My guess is that you may have done a few regrettable things to kill the pain of your shame. Healing the Hurts of Past, chapter three.

Get the picture? Coping mechanisms aren’t the problem. Coping mechanisms are the solution…at least  that’s what we think in the moment. We are just trying to kill the  pain. We are trying to solve the problem as quickly and inexpensively as we possibly can.

I get that. I think God gets that too. He’s not mad at you for your behavior as much as he is sad for you. He hates to see you in pain and he hates to see you add to your pain by turning to useless and harmful “solutions”.

There is a better way to solve the  problem…something that is long-term and not a quick fix. It involves turning to a loving God who values you for just being you…warts and  all. Once that foundation is in place you can rebuild your life.

Question: What are some “solutions” that you have  turned to for your pain? Please take a minute to leave your comment below. Thanks.

Are You a Victim of Tragedy or Victor Over It?

Victim of Tragedy or Victor?

Rob Summers… victor not victim

Tragedy produces victims and victors.

An article in Southwest Airlines magazine tells the story of Rob Summers, a young man who suffered a spinal cord injury that threatened the course of his life. Summers could have lived as a victim, yet Summers rose to meet and beat the challenge.  Against all odds he is on his way to walking again.

The article is a bit long so I captured some of the highlights here on what might help you overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles.

Let me give you some background of Summer’s situation.  Rob was an up and coming baseball star, but a hit and run driver left him in a pool of blood for four hours in a parking lot. He was finally discovered and rushed to the hospital but he life was forever changed.

The article says about spinal cord injuries…

People with spinal-cord injuries like Summers’ are far more likely to be unemployed and single. They have higher medical costs and suffer from very high rates of stroke, infection, and heart disease, which means they tend to die young. Statistics suggested that Summers’ injury would shorten his life by almost 20 years. 

But Summers is working to beat the odds. Here are the highlights of what helped him turn around his condition.

1. A positive attitude not a victim mentality…

Summers, however, wasn’t fazed. “You don’t know me,” he told the surgeon. “I will stand again, I will walk again, and I will play baseball.” 

Perhaps the best predictor of an individual’s success is believing that if you don’t have the ability now, you can get the ability if you work hard and don’t give up on yourself.

2. Persistence and strategies…

Some might say that Summers’ accomplishments came from a lucky star or his innate abilities. But ability, says Halvorson, “is just one small piece of the puzzle. Research shows that effort, persistence, commitment, and the strategies you use to reach your goal are far more powerful predictors of who succeeds and who fails. Self-discipline, and not giving up when obstacles arise, actually significantly out-predict IQ on every measure of achievement I’ve ever seen, including test scores and college grades.”

3. Specific goals…

The recipe from Rob Summers’ grandfather instructed him to set high, optimistic goals. “When your brain detects a big discrepancy between where you are now and where you want to be,” says Halvorson, “it throws resources at it, such as attention and effort, often without you realizing it. Challenging goals mean more resources, which in turn mean greater success.”

Psychologists have discovered that if our plans are extremely specific they double the chance of success. “This is really key,” Halvorson says. “People routinely fail to think about the steps they will need to take to actually make success happen. Specificity is essential, otherwise the critical actions just don’t get taken.”

4. A belief in God’s personal help…

…the goals in turn gave him a habit of mind, and a faith—faith in himself, and in, well, It Works author RHJ calls it the Great Power. RHJ also calls it Emmanuel, which is Hebrew for “God is with us.” 

5. Monitoring progress and then adjust…

“It’s not enough to just monitor progress,” she says. “You need to be assessing it, asking yourself what you’re doing right, and where you’re going wrong. Do I need to seek advice or guidance from experts? More often than not, success means changing strategies along the way to adapt to obstacles you didn’t plan for.” Such as a hit-and-run.

6. Thankfulness…

“It took away my lifelong goal and dream of being a baseball player,” Summers says. But in an odd way he realizes that it was also good luck. “Without the injury,” he says, “I never would have met and fallen in love with my girlfriend. And this procedure could help millions of people around the world. This is bigger than baseball; this is a chance to give people hope.”

Summers’ thankfulness was not only for meeting his true love but realizing that he could not bring hope to others if he had not first experienced this tragedy.  In a way, he sees this tragedy as a gift so that he can turn around and help others overcome the same problem.

Now you have a choice. Will you choose to be a victim and let your hardship take you out? Or will you follow Rob’s model and be the victor over your hardship?

via Southwest Airlines Spirit Magazine / Luck and Desire.

Question: What tempts you to live as a victim? What have you done to be the victor over your circumstances? Leave your comment below.

Fourteen Years of Rock Bottom – Chris Herren

Chris Herren Hit Rock Bottom

Chris Herren Hit Rock Bottom

You’ve heard it said that you need to hit rock bottom before you seek a change. In a recent article, Chris Herren, former NBA player, said that he had lots of “rock bottom” moments with his addiction.

In fact, he had 14 years of “rock bottom” before he finally made a change. I like this article because it models some important steps in the change process.

How to Climb Up From Rock Bottom:

  1. Hitting rock bottom. Rock bottom is when you finally see that the cost isn’t worth the benefits. Up to that point you can always say “just one more time” or “just one more day” because you always perceive a payoff. But at rock bottom there is no longer a payoff.
  2. Having a solid friend’s support. When there is no one to turn to it’s easy to give up. You only have yourself for support and that’s clearly not enough.
  3. Effective INTENSIVE treatment. Nothing dramatic or dynamic takes place casually. You don’t do great things in your spare time. Great things happen when you turn your focus and energy toward a specific purpose.
  4. A sense of purpose and giving back. When life is just about you or even your recovery it lacks something. Deep down you know that you aren’t the center of the universe. You are important but not that important. When you can put your energy into helping others, you gain purpose and a sense of meaning. You realize that you are making a contribution (finally!) and it feels good. It’s what makes you want to get up in the morning.
  5. The ability to reframe your life - Herren doesn’t play the victim or dwell on the past. He uses his past failure as a turning point for change.

Question: How did you hit rock bottom and how did it help set you on a road to recovery? Leave your comment below. It will help others to do the same!

Learn more about how to overcome your past in Healing the Hurts of Your Past

Are You Worthless or Just Flawed?

Do you feel worthless? In my book, Healing the Hurts of Your Past, I talk about the pain of shame. Shame is the feeling that comes over a person who feels worthless. It can cripple you.

worthless

Shame is rooted in the lies you believe about yourself. A lie that many believe is that they are worthless.  They see a flaw, an imperfection, or defect in themselves and take the flying leap of logic that: if they are flawed they have no value. It often causes them to give up. That’s a huge mistake. 

The truth is: we are all flawed. No one is perfect. We all wrestle with something.  Knowing this doesn’t fix your flaws but it helps defeat another lie: that YOU are the only one with a problem, which leads to another lie: YOU don’t fit in. Everyone else has their act together. YOU are a misfit. So it helps to know we share a common problem.

Flawed, yes. Worthless, no.

We are all flawed, it’s just not so obvious because many people are very good at covering up their flaws. But don’t be fooled. You are not alone. 

The Bible tells us that something happened to us all.  We lost something.  Something’s missing. It’s been that way from the beginning of time.  That’s not a lie. That’s the truth.   But there’s no need to beat ourselves up, or each other, about it.  

The best thing we can do is admit that we are flawed: all of us. Admit our weaknesses and then come together to support each other, asking for God’s help.  We create a community of brokenness that is on the mend. This is what the Bible calls the church (but I don’t know if church people always understand that). 

I want to encourage you today: don’t let your shame cause you to go into hiding. Face the truth. Admit your flaws to God and others. Most importantly…invite God to speak the truth of his unconditional love into your life. His truth will melt the lies of shame and allow you to take back your life.

Helping Hurting People TV Interview (5min)

I was recently interviewed on our NBC affiliate about my book.