Category Archives: forgiveness

Can you forgive and still feel anger?

Can you forgive and still feel anger? I was on a call-in radio program the other day and a couple people seemed confused about their situation. They thought they had forgiven their offender but were still angry. It made them doubt their forgiveness for the person.

My answer was: don’t be so quick to assume you haven’t forgiven them. It depends upon where you direct your anger. If you direct your it toward just the loss you incurred from the offense, then yes: you can forgive and still be angry.

Anger is the Natural Response to Loss

Whenever you lose something or someone, one of the emotions that accompanies that loss is anger. It’s natural. You can’t help it. It would be abnormal to not be angry.

The key to dealing with anger isn’t so much in whether you get angry or not but in how long you allow it to remain with you and how you process your anger.

Anger is a natural part of the grieving process. Until you move past the loss, there will be some anger even though you have chosen to not get back at your offender (forgiveness). The anger comes from not being able to control your loss. Someone died. You got fired. You have no control over these things. You are powerless and it makes you mad. But you can still forgive.

Anger Toward Your Offender Leads to Retaliation

On the other hand, if you direct your anger toward your offender, I would say, no, you can’t forgive and still feel anger. Being angry at your offender is a form of retaliation and that is the opposite of forgiveness. People feel the need to even the score and can’t rest until they do. This is what gets people into trouble, causing them to waste years getting back at someone, even if it’s just wishing them harm in their mind.

I hope this brings some clarity to a common concern. If you’ve given up the right to get even with your offender, that’s forgiveness. If your loss still hurts, that’s normal anger that will exist as long as you feel the loss. As you come to accept the loss and move on with your life, the anger will slowly dissipate. I discuss issues of anger, loss, grief and forgiveness in my book STUCK.

Question: What do you think? Do you think it’s possible to forgive and still be angry? Leave your comment below.

When you subscribe to this blog I will send you a short e-book on how God has forgiven you completely, called, “Forgiven…once and for all”.

Lance Armstrong and Why We Lie

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You’ve probably heard by now that Lance Armstrong came clean to Oprah Winfrey about his use of performance-enhancing drugs as reported in the New York Times. He adamantly denied any illegal activity prior to this. Now, it’s clear that his involvement was extensive.

Lance Armstrong

Lying has always fascinated me. I’ve never understood it because when the lie comes out (which it almost always does) the person looks so bad and the consequences are so much worse.

That’s true for Lance Armstrong. Some people believed in him, against all odds. He was so insistent on his innocence that they didn’t want to betray him. Now they realize: they are the one’s who were betrayed.

The Beauty of a Lie

I spoke to a friend once about the thirteen years he hid an addiction by lying. I asked him what was going through his mind. How could he lie when he knew he couldn’t cover up forever and he knew he was hurting his family? He said he considered telling the truth many times, but every time he came close to coming clean he would weigh the cost vs. the benefits. Every time the cost of telling the truth was too great compared to telling the lie one more time. His reasoning was, Why suffer today when I can put it off and hopefully people will never find out?

Disgust for Lance Armstrong?

The psychology of a lie is amazing. It works against all reason. Yet in the moment it is so convincing. It’s really hard not to feel disgust for someone like Lance Armstrong. Every time he lied he put his own interests above others that loved him and were dedicated to his cause.

…or compassion for Lance Armstrong?

But I have to buffer my disgust for Lance Armstrong with a solid knowledge of the frailty of our humanity. As he said himself, he’s flawed. God speaks in the Bible through the prophet Jeremiah and says: “The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be.” (17:9,10)

In other words, our hearts all have darkness: some more than others. So we need to be careful when showing “disgust”. Rather, it’s helpful to consider our own ability to fail, not to excuse wrong but to acknowledge that you too might have your own areas of denial. When you finally come clean you hope others treat you as you treated them…with compassion and not disgust.

The apostle Paul said it well in a letter he wrote to Christians: If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Galatians 6:1. The problem with showing disgust is that we only reinforce people’s hesitancy to come clean. They see the hatred and swear they’ll never expose themselves to it. It’s better to keep lying.

A Good Apology Can Help

I feel bad for Lance Armstrong and all the people he let down. He’s got years of mopping up to do. I wish he would have come clean earlier. I hope he doesn’t hold back and try to preserve his image. The best thing for his image now is full disclosure, true sorrow, and making as many amends as he possibly can. That might keep him busy for a few years. But he needs to be careful with his apology. A bad apology can add salt to a wound, not healing.

To learn more about recovering from past failure see my chapter on “How to Be Reconciled” in my new book, STUCK…how to mend and move on from broken relationships.

Feedback: What is your response to Lance Armstrong and his admission? Leave your comment below.

Forgiving Murder – The Ann Grosmaire Shooting

Forgiving Murder

I want to comment on a few other statements that the parents made that give insight into forgiveness:

Ann did not die immediately. She was able to speak to her parents before she died. She told her father: Jesus and I want you to forgive him. The parents felt that their forgiveness was a divine calling and because God was calling them to do it, he was also offering them the power to do it. Kate said that she didn’t know if she was capable of forgiveness, but You don’t know what you are capable of doing until you are in the moment.
Andy said, If I didn’t forgive him I’d go right with him to prison. That was an interesting statement because I just posted a quote of mine recently saying, “Some offenses are unforgettable, but no offense is unforgivable. To not forgive is to lock yourself in a cell with your offender forever.” Andy understood this. He didn’t want to be dragged into that cell of unforgiveness.
I also appreciate the insight that Andy showed when he said, We didn’t pardon him. We forgave him. In my book STUCK…how to mend and move on from broken relationships I talk about Five Things that Forgiveness is Not. One thing that forgiveness is not is excusing (or pardoning). Forgiveness means giving up the right to get even. It doesn’t mean you let the person off the hook. Too often people don’t want to forgive because they don’t want to send the wrong message. But in this story there is both forgiveness and justice. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

We see stories like this in the news every so often. Nine times out of ten they are about people who are followers of Jesus who want to live out his words and follow his example. It’s nice to see this because so often the news stories are about a person doing something crazy or hurtful in God’s name.

Question: Forgiving murder seems impossible. What would be the hardest thing for you if your child asked you to forgive their murderer? Leave your comment below.

Les Miserables Spiritual Message

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I made a quick post on my Facebook page the other day about the spiritual message of law and grace in the recent musical, Les Miserables. Someone wrote back thanking me for the spiritual insight. They said they would have missed it had I not mentioned it.

I’d hate for anyone to miss what I see is the bigger message of Les Miserables so let me offer a few thoughts here. I’d love to hear your insights as well.

Forgiveness in Les Miserables

The obvious message in Les Miserables is the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness melted the heart of a hardened man. It transformed his life, not only freeing him from his inner prison but he sought to forgive others: even Javert, the man who wanted to throw him back in prison.

A friend of mine wrote the other day saying that forgiveness is one of the biggest evidences of the reality of God for him. It has no evolutionary reason behind it. As in Les Miserables, common wisdom tells you to eliminate your enemy. But forgiveness sees the dignity of God’s creation and seeks to offer renewal, hope, and goodness even if it costs you your life.

The Futility of Law in Les Miserables

The subtler spiritual message in Les Miserables is the hopelessness of the Law to bring satisfaction and fulfillment. Javert represents the Law. He is driven to arrest Jean Val Jean no matter what the cost. He believes the Law is true and just and therefore must be fulfilled. It’s a holy calling from God. He has no concept of grace or forgiveness.

If you are familiar with the story that Jesus told of the Prodigal Son, Javert is like the older brother. He doesn’t celebrate when his prodigal brother returns home. He stands in judgment and refuses to enter the party that his father throws for the prodigal.

Those who seek only the Law (right living) will, like Javert or the older brother, end their lives in despair. But the grace of forgiveness offers a legacy of hope and life, generation after generation.

The New Testament letter to the Galatian church told them: “Jesus set you free from the curse of the Law” (Galatians 3:13). In other words, the Law will only condemn us. But Jesus offers us another way to be approved by God…forgiveness. If you are a Bible reader, a full reading of Galatians chapter three might be worth your time to better understand the spiritual implications of Javert’s role as it relates to the Law.

These are just a couple of spiritual insights to consider as you watch Les Miserables. I’d love to hear back your thoughts as well.

To learn more about forgiveness you might want to consider, STUCK…how to mend and move on from broken relationships.

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Free Book, STUCK, for Your Amazon Review

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Regular readers know that I’m two weeks out from releasing my new book: STUCK…how to mend and move on from broken relationships.

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We’ve all been stuck:

stuck in traffic,
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F. Remy Diederich’s writing is rich in biblical thought and counsel but not simplistic in its application or blind to the realities of human weakness. Issues of anger, grief, boundaries, and forgiveness are carefully looked at from a spiritual perspective. While encouraging reconciliation the author is also aware that reconciliation is not always possible and offers alternatives. Because of STUCK’s helpful “how-to” nature you will want to highlight key thoughts and return to them again and again.

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F. Remy Diederich

…reclaim your life